By Tara Khandro
I read Lewis Carol’s book Alice in Wonderland when I was 9 years old. That book affirmed my own life experience. I am grateful for Lewis Carol for giving me a road map for how to continually choose to engage the wonder of the mad Beauty of life.
One day a friend called to share her story of mad Beauty. In response I replied: ‘I sense you have tears that want to pour out of you.” Rachael replied: ‘I’m renting the movie-The Danish Girl and I’m hoping it will make me cry.’ I suspect many of us use a film, song, poem, or a story to give us permission to feel, witness and pour forth our feelings.
Not me. I cry a few times a week for different reasons. One day my grief flows from the pain of how humanity continues to rape the earth-and each other. Another day it could be because my body feels trapped in a cage of high humidity and heat. Or I may cry tears of joy in recognizing the mad Beauty of life. The days in which I weep for the suffering of the world are the days in which I rise up with renewed strength, curiosity, and understanding of how there is absolutely nothing outside of me. I am not separate from the bee, flee or tree. Nor am I separate from the climate change refugees, murderers (random shooters or those supported by a legislative body) the cow being tortured for slaughter, the sun, the moon, giggles of a child and the luscious Love weaving itself through every particle of matter.
There is no ‘other’ for the other is none other than me. Yes, each of us are uniquely designed in how we mechanically navigate the mad Beauty of life. And…each of us are radiant rays of the One Infinite Sun of Love. I am grateful for my guru, Gang Guy, for revealing to me that all that arises in my life is divinely designed to guide me to my one true purpose: To Live as Love.
Gang Guy broke into my Chicago flat after midnight on a blazing blizzard night. He awakened me from a death like sleep, literally and figuratively. Gang Guy stood at the end of my bed blocking my exit out of the door. I stood, feet planted on the floor and looked into his raging eyes with the respect due to a formidable foe and yelled ‘NO!”.
I was brutally beaten unconscious beyond recognition, yet not raped. Within 24 hours of this, my third stranger perpetrated violent crime; I felt a kindred relationship with this man and all victims and perpetrators of violence. Inside of me is a perpetrator who beats me up with comparisons and self judgment, and rapes me of my self worth. The police told me that Gang Guy broke into my Chicago flat to rape me as a gang initiation. I was Gang Guy’s ticket into his tribal family. We are all doing the best that we can.
Each of us human Beings have one true desire: To love and be loved. The one difference between me and Gang Guy is how we choose to use our pain. I choose to feel my feelings of rage, grief and terror as fuel for the conscious creation of the embodiment of Love. Gang Guy chose to use his feelings to create pain for others. Gang Guy was seeking love the only way he knew how. Gang Guy felt he was doing the right thing. Each of us are doing the best that we can-no matter what the dueling duality of the mini-me mind says.
The carefully conditioned mind that chooses to see the world in duality-good OR evil-says: ‘What? I want to reject this dark Darth Vader matter inside of me and in the world. I must rise up in protest. Kill it off.’ Yes, there are moments in which we root our anger in fierce love and wield the whip of protest and let our voices ring into eternity. Just as Jesus did in the money changers temple. Yet in order to respond to the mad Beauty of life in this way, with true Love power, we must recognize that the other is none other than our self.
I’m sorry Gang Guy. I forgive you Gang Guy. I love you Gang Guy. Thank you Gang Guy.
Is the same as saying: I’m sorry Tara. I forgive you Tara. I love you Tara. Thank you Tara.
For all is Love no matter what form it forms
For Love weaves itself into every particle of matter.
When my mini-me mind makes matter matter
I become a March Hare madder.
‘There is no time! No time to feel
I’m behind! I need to catch up.
I need to prove to gain love
I need more more more more more….’
When I release mini-me mind’s
Resistance to ‘What is’
I relax, grounded in faith,
Into my body
Allowing all to be
Just as it is no matter
What it is.
Gratefully Grace guides me
To unfold with wonder
Dancing in wisdom with the
Mad Beauty of Life.
And so it is
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